On the Axis

I have been contemplating, for a few months now, what my blog is all about. I have felt the calling to write more. However, when I sit down, I can't quite figure out what to put down. There is an element of my being that is so personal I can't fathom sharing it with the world. But on the other hand, who am I, if I am not real...especially in my writings, the one method of expression that has always been my tool in navigating life. I have been convicted by the overwhelming thought that writing about "Me" might be the one life link that someone I don't even know, needed. This may have started with thoughts about how "blogging" would help me but it has become bigger. How might my words touch someone else? Nothing happens on accident. I was created in HIS image, with a grand purpose. And though I can't see what that purpose is just yet, perhaps I see a road I am supposed to take.

I have traveled to some really dark places in my adult life. I hate to blame or classify the journey's as a result of me being diagnosed with Chronic, Recurring Depression for fear that it sounds like an excuse. But, for the ease of understanding what I am getting at, I am clinically diagnosed. Along with depression, I am also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. These two things have been part of my makeup for a lot of years....Sometimes I think, by definition, they describe some of my feelings and behaviors. Other times, they are merely just labels and do nothing to explain the world in which I live. As manuals and diagnostics change, so do I.  I have been to countless therapists and on more medications than you can imagine. My diagnosis has even changed and recently to something some would say is more "severe" than previously thought. And until about a month ago, deep in the recesses of my mind, I thought that eventual with the right combo of meds and therapy, I would be CURED. I was constantly looking for the CURE. Now, I find myself further than ever away from a cure, or do I?

Recently, my therapist said in a session...What you have is not going away. It is cyclical and recurring. There are highs and lows. WHAT you chose to do with your days and with your life is up to you. You can learn to challenge your thoughts and openly address your needs during these times and learn what it means to live WITH your diagnosis. You can be healthy and fruitful and ANYTHING but a a slave to it....simply by your choosing. And for the first time in about 13 years, I feel empowered. I find that coming to terms that there is not a said "CURE" for this is freeing. I can stop looking. My efforts in searching for the perfect combo are a waste of time. What if I can take that energy and instead of focusing on what is WRONG with me, I choose to focus, not on the diagnosis, but on my LIFE! Yes, my path has been marked with moments of despair, but in them, I ALWAYS find Him, I am always reminded that I have a HUGE support system and bushels of love.  I need to embrace who I am - if I embrace who I am, only then can I be comfortable in my skin. I have never been comfortable in my own skin.

God has blessed my life, beyond measure. In my rational mind, I know this.  What I do in my dark corners fades the blessing. But I am learning how to stop myself from going there. How I choose to look at life is ultimately up to me. Yes, I always find HIM in dark corners, but what about finding him in the bright spots? There are bright spots. I am changing my focus.

I am on medication. I am not ashamed or afraid to admit this. I believe my quality of life is BETTER, in part, because of my medication. However, I also know that being on the right meds, alone, will not help me to have or maintain JOY.  Joy is something so grand and out of this world, that we must choose to go after it! I know that this is a learning process, and not every day do I wake up feeling like roses and with a great understanding of what all of this means. But, in this learning process, I am seeing that the more I accept WHO I am, shortcomings and all, the more my soul heals. The more I see my blessings, and dive deep into relationships, the more JOY I experience.

So, the questions remain, how can God use me and my journey to help someone else? How can I be an advocate for mental health? What am I to learn from all these experiences? I hope you will stick around as I dig to find out more about myself and this journey that I am on. No holds barred, this is who I am.