While I Am Waiting

By John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Wake Me When It is Over

I think there are moments in life, currently speaking, that I feel like if I could just go to sleep and someone could just wake me up when the waters settled...I mean really, who wants to wake up every day not knowing where they might live, who might call with a job, what or where God wants to do with you. There is no routine because now is just not the time for that to EVEN remotely be possible. And for a type A like me this is a time I would rather just be somewhere else, asleep and Lord, wake me when I'm "home" wherever that is, the boxes are unpacked (maybe there were no boxes involved. Just tell me when I can establish or get back to my SAHM type of deal.
Then again,

Jake would have missed out on Anna's first day of kindergarten and every day since that he has walked his sweet girl to and fro the bus stop. I would have missed out on having him here, whenever I am here and having him "serve" me in ways I didn't know were possible. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to be challenged to pick up the reigns and say "I will work whenever there are hours", and put aside my SAHM role and let Jake assume a SAHD role. God would not have touched my soul that is crying out for something to fill it and said, "while you are waiting, serve me and I will show you." Jake and I would not be as close, our kids would not have witnessed how you get together in times of distress not "stress". We are doing our best to model security in the ways of HIM not the ways of the world. We are humbly saying we can't and never could do it alone and need HIM, our family and friends to help us through.

So maybe being AWAKE is a blessing (most days), and this too shall pass. And when it does, I can help someone else see that all works together for His good, if we are IN HIM. And he won't leave me even if I do close my eyes for a minute or too, tears are okay and honesty is welcome.

The prayers have been felt and we thank you from all around for sending them up on our behalf. We feel loved, blessed, cherished and proud to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.
Thank you!

New Look - Likey?

Thank you Danielle for your help! My blog was a mess, then again so was/is life, so it felt fitting. But now we are back in beautiful business.
If I do say so myself.

We will leave this post to a list.

1. The Grace of our God
2. Starbucks - both as a habit and an employer
3. Lots of and I mean LOTS of family time
4. A new found love of the Lake - God's beauty is all around us
5. Useful things on sale ie Old Navy shirts, which I wear for work - $6.99
6. A public school that is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, my daughter loves it and is safe there
7. A church that is not a just a building but a body
8. A therapist, yes I'm still in "therapy", that can quote Rich Mullins songs and scripture re: Jacob and being mad at God and not once make me feel anything but understood at all levels
9. Boundaries - if they did NOT exist, well I will let you imagine your life without them
10. My new blog that makes me want to write more

Standard Blog Makeover!

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Its Time for a List

I think it is time for a list. A list of favorites/ things I can not do without and a thankful list.

1. Glad Force Flex Trash bags - and if you are wondering I have tried generic brand and they are NOT the same
2. Arbonne's new FC5 line...my skin is in love
3. Tazo's new ICED tea line that Starbucks sells to you and me. Make it at home baby.
4. Starbucks tall, double shot, nonfat, 1 splenda latte, no foam.
5. My Target Exhiliration brand pj pants and shirt. Not sure why but they fit perfect I feel good, look okay and money well spent
6. Tide HE that pairs with the Downey freshner - Ann Taylor Loft is promoting it. Can't say enough about it
7. My Kureig
8. Le Mystere Bras and yes it was my mother in law that introduced me to them - silly
9. New found love for Face Book
10. My LG Dare phone

Thankful list
1. My husband and his car washing abilities.
2. The ability to be home with my kids (sometimes I have to remind myself this is a privelage, I will be honest)
3. My job
4. Jake's job
5. My friends that I know I take for granted too often
6. My wellness team
7. My parents
8. Our freedom - cliche but really - think about it
9. Warm days with no humidity, I almost feel like I am in CA. just need a beach
10. Feeling like I am coming out of a dense fog.

One More

I knew I had left a baby out Collin O'hara....he will be here June 1.
As my memory continues to come about, I will post more baby news and names :)

I would like to report that after 22 days of rain we have gone over 24hours without a drop from the sky. It is currently sunny and no sign of rain for at least the next FIVE, yes FIVE days!

Our new patio furniture just might be unveiled and used. Alleluia!

Anyone out there?

Yes, Yes, I am still here. I think since I am such a great FaceBooker, I forgot about my blog. That is one of my excuses.
Not sure if I have a readership left...but if I do, this one's for you!
I will do my best to sum up the last, um, almost two months.

Jake and I took a trip, sans kids to Alabama for a wedding. We were just outside of Birmingham and it was GORGEOUS! I enjoyed everything about it, including all the silent (meaning no little chattering voices) time in the car.
We have had several ear infections, cases of strep and are currently on a clean bill of health!
My mom came for a visit, very quick but very fun.
We have a brand new HUGE patio and some rockin patio furniture, that we have used very little because we have had 19 solid days of rain.
Anna has excelled at school, passed her proffiency tests and is enrolled in Kindergarten for fall of 09. She is so excited and currently trying to convince me that she should ride the school bus. Hmmmm.
Anna has had 2 spring concerts (school and church) and it is such a joy to see her sing and in both she did hand bells and was so good. She will tell you she hates singing but she participates as if she loves it.
She has matured in her friendships and clearly has "best" friends whom she asks to come over and I am not very good about making play dates, I admit. And I know she is going to miss these 3 girls, Ella R. Myah and Mckenna a WHOLE bunch next year.
Bo is, well Bo. He continues to be my challenging but oh so rewarding little man. We have had a bit of a struggle with him using his "muscles" in places that aren't appropriate. But a little bribe of a car for some good behavior and he seems to get right back on track. He is oh so stubborn and is such a puzzle for Jake and I both as far as discipline. I am happy to report that he is seemingly interested in potty training! So I am going for it. I have till Sept. when the school requires it. But heck the sooner the better.
I am still working at Starbucks, still loving the coffee. I have had a fractured ankle and now a strained tendon and spent the better part of the last two months in a boot (opposite feet). I will be so glad when I can get back the the gym.
Jake on the other hand is a gym fanatic and has lost over 50lbs and is in awesome shape. I am so proud of him.
My brother is safely on US soil again, this time hopefully until Sept! And I really hope we get to see him and Auntie Erin this summer.
We have two more days of "school" and then its me and the kids - let the fun begin. Not sure what the summer holds but I am praying for some good play dates, cheap entertainment around town and that the two get along well and play outside together and enjoy their bikes on the patio.
Really, I think you are caught up. It's kind of a whole lot of nothing, yet a whole lot of just life, which is good.
I do have a few pictures to post, which I plan to do in the next day or so. Promise ya!
Oh and the baby boom has begun. I wrote awhile back that I knew like 12 or something people that were preggo, well so far 3 have made their appearances, Ava, Langley and Grace....we are waiting on Chapman, Abby, Connor and Savannah all due in the next 3 weeks. Come Aug/Sept we will have another Savannah, then later in the year Murphy baby #4. And seriously I am probably forgetting someone.
Have a blessed day, so far I am seeing sun and it is after noon! Yahoo!

He is Here! He is Here!

My newest second cousin has arrived. The first child of Brian and Brianne. I am sooooo excited.

Langley Rey Vertrees
Born: 10:23 a.m. PST
weight: 8 pounds 4 ounces
length: 20 inches
hair: brown
eyes: light hazel brown

Mother, baby and daddy are all doing well. Brianne was a real troooper. She was in labor for 8 hours and pushed for 2 hours. No meds, allll natural. Brian is an emotional wreck but lovin' every nano second!

I can't explain what a blessing this little man is to this family. God and his plans are so divine.
Congrats....oh and let it be known that I am still the only girl in my generation and Anna the only girl in hers...(on the Vertrees side). Kind of like that. haha.

Video Heaven

They are gonna love this when they are older.
I believe I just heard, "Batman, you are never coming out" come from the back room. And now there is screaming. One day the tables will turn and the princess will not know what hit her!

Snowy Birthday Wishes

Yes, it snowed today...look!


And we had to bundle up....


I have hit the 25 lb weight loss mark - about 45 more to go - but one chunk at a time (no pun intended)


And, tomorrow, this little princess (at 6weeks in the pic) will be FIVE!!!!

My Week

So, just real quick.
I have had a hard hard week. I have been on what was supposed to be a good addition to my medicial regimine and it ended up a nightmare. Rhonda - it was abilify, we need to talk. It made my week a blur. Literally. But I survived.
Bo had strep. Anna had a fever at some point, but nothing serious. We had a play date with Myah over here and then Anna went to the Kaliedescope museum with her Wed.
I have worked, received a new hair do and all in all just happy to hear today that I can immediately stop my drug, it has a 75hr half life. I can't concentrate - hence the crazy post. So I will stop and put up some pics. Love to all.
I guess my new DO pic is on my phone...I will get it later.
Anna did get her BIG bday gift of new furniture. The pic above is her on the bed in the store. More pics of her on the furniture in her room, to follow.

Hello!

Hello all my PRIVATE readers.
Hopefully this isn't a huge pain. Remember it is saving my marriage and my ability to blog :)
Love ya
K

It's Simple

I went in to my folder, in my email, entitled "Blog Readers". Here is where I have stored up my faithful readers email addresses. Guess what? It was empty. I have no idea where they all went. But this baby can't go private with no readership. ha.
So let's try it again.
One week! Send me an email, subject line -- BLOG, content, your email address. That's it.
Thanks for bearing with me.

Keri

Trying Again

Annie is closest to the camera, then Rhonda and her little boy JD :)



One set of nails is the persons real nails....


The blue toes are mine.




STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS !!! LOVE YOU HONEY.

The Week In Review

My Blue Eyed (To Die For) Wonder!


My Brown Eyed (ADORABLE) Boy!!


Okay, I have more pics and it won't let me post....
When it does you will see pics of me and my friend Annie, and Rhonda and our day getting Mani/Pedi's. And a picture of my wedding ring, cause it got cleaned and it was so shiny I had to take a picture of it - funny huh?!

Couple of Things

Okay this baby is going private this weekend. I have quite a few requests to be included. If you do not receive an email b/t tomorrow and monday for this Private Blog let me know via email....
Also, I have a new cell phone number. I texted everyone in my phone book. If you did not receive the text or message on facebook and need it, please let me know via email or comment here :)

Thanks peeps!

Keri

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures

Here are a couple of pics. If you want more...check out my facebook....I will load on shutterfly and post the link there.


Me and my kiddos, at the park, on a rock


My Dad wanted in on the action at the park - goofball


We went to a ghost town in Goldfinger, AZ


My Adorable Grandmother and Daughter



Grandad Took the Kids to the Fire Station

HOME

Just wanted you to know we are home. I have pictures galore. And yes, this is still going private, get your requests in now. I have quite a few and in about a week you will receive an email invite from me. Then you will know....
Peace - K

Hear YE Hear YE

Okay so in this world of CRAZY people... I am going to change the permissions and accessibility of my blog. I was going to send a mass email letting you all know I did this. However, the one thing I HATE about Gmail is you can't select people from your address book. And inviting people, well I have to select 100.
So, this is a PUBLIC notice that this is going PRIVATE.
You will need to be invited by ME to view this blog.

If you are a reader and want to continue viewing this blog, send me an email with your email address and I will send you an invite. Simple as that!

I can't imagine I have more then 100 readers. If so, I will deal with that when I hit that massive readership.

If you happen to NOT have my email address, leave me a comment and I will address it on a case by case basis. HEHE.

Thanks dear ones.
Keri

Knowing Where to Start - A Devotion

Passed on to me by my Sunday School teacher, enjoy...


"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35 (NIV)

I was talking with friends who recently read my devotion about helping my son become a can-do-kid. One said she wanted to raise can-do-kids, but she didn't know where to start. Another shared how she wished she enjoyed being a mom as much as I do.

The truth is, I haven't always enjoyed being a mom. I didn't start out as a can-do mom with can-do thoughts and can-do kids. In fact, my son's "I-give-up attitude" that inspired my devotion earlier this month was probably inherited from me. I had stood on the sidelines of motherhood and declared, "I CAN'T" many times.

I would get so discouraged.
Once my kids became toddlers who would not listen to me and obey like little robots, I panicked. I looked at other moms who seemed to know what they were doing and wondered, "What is wrong with me?" Their children listened when they told them no. Why wouldn't my child keep his hands to himself in the grocery store or the toy aisle? Why didn't someone tell me this would be so hard?

I often felt like a failure.
I compared how I felt on the inside to how other moms looked like they had it all together on the outside. My feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of insecurity were held up in comparison to moms who dressed their children in matching outfits and adorned themselves with attitudes of grace and wisdom. I wondered how in the world they pulled it off with a smile? I could barely get a shower, get my kids dressed, or get us out the door before lunch!

I wanted to quit.
One day I came home from running errands with two tired, fussy toddlers. I put them down for a nap and searched for pink construction paper so I could write "I QUIT" on it. I was going to hand my "pink slip" to my husband when he came home from work that day. It was just too hard, and I was tired of feeling like I would never measure up as a mom.

And that's where I started.
I didn't really start being a mom until the day I almost quit. Because that was the day I fell on my knees before God and choked out the words, "I can't do this." And in that place of surrender, it felt like God bent down on His knees before me and spoke to my heart: "You are right, Renee. In your own strength and through your own perspective, you cannot do this. But I am here with you. With my grace, my promises, my mercy, my presence, and my power ??“ all things are possible. I will help you become a great mom."

That day reminded me of Psalm 19:35, "You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great."

It was a new starting place for me. When I acknowledged that on my own I was a mess, God came to my rescue. He showed me that with His gentleness, grace, wisdom and guidance, I could become the mom He was calling me to be, the mom my kids needed me to be, and the mom I wanted to be!

Dear Lord, I need Your shield of victory to protect me from discouragement. I pray that You would extend Your right hand to sustain me; Your grace to strengthen me; and Your wisdom to lead me. Thank You for Jesus, who stooped down to make me great because of Your great love for me. Today, I find a new starting place with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

So Cute

Aren't they cute? These are my parents... Tim and Karen.
My mom sent me this picture and I couldn't help but post it because they don't often take pics together. And, if they do, my dad can't help but close his eyes. And this picture depicts them to a "T" - together, in Idaho, in the snow. Other then golf, they probably couldn't think of anything else they would rather be doing (oh unless of course it involved the grand kiddos).

I'm so thankful that my parents have been married for 35yrs. I have only been alive for 30 of those. But I have a living example of how to "work it out", how to "get through it", how to "laugh", how to "cry", that "till death do us part" is possible. And it may not always seem like it, but I am watching closely to see how its all done. And no, they aren't perfect, but they are what they know. And in today's world I know that its a rare example to have, so close to my heart. So, I will take it!

In one week, we get to go to PHX for a visit, with them and my dear grandmother (dad's mom, lovingly now known as GG). And I couldn't be more excited. Every time we visit with them, here or there, we laugh, we eat the best food (my dad's grilling ROCKS), the kids play and play and play, there is a lot of coffee drinking and usually a mani/pedi session. Best of all there is just QT. I look forward to every moment of time together. I admit I wish we were skiing, Christmas 09 we will be, and I wish my brother and Erin were going to be there, Christmas 09 they will be. But, nonetheless, we are super excited about the airplane, the airport and seeing Grandma, Granddad and GG!!! And Jake of course is excited about all the golf in Feb!

I feel likes it Christmas again, the anticipation of the trip. (even if I do sleep on a couch, haha). Thanks mom and dad for having us out, we can't wait. And thanks for being you.
They may hate that we are in OK, but they are also the ones that told my brother and me that the best thing for us was to go AWAY to college. They just didn't think Id stay that far away. Oh well, gives them some place ELSE to travel too. HAHA!

Just In Case You Have Ever Wondered

Bowers made me do it!

1. Where is your cell phone? end table
2. Your significant other? working
3. Your hair? crazy
4. Your mother? scatter brained
5. Your father? sarcastic
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? weirdest EVER
8. Your favorite drink? margarita on the rocks
9. Your dream/goal? nurse (i think)
10. What room you are in? i call it family room, jake calls it living - aka multi purpose
11. Your hobby? writing
12. Your fear? death
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? bigger house, stronger, more in love with christ
14. Where were you last night?waaaay south bixby
16. Muffins? cinnamon/apple/streusal combo
17. Wish list item? bigger house
18. Where you grew up? Orange County, Cali.
19. Last thing you did? pick up Bo's room
20. What are you wearing? fleece pants and most favorite TU football shirt (old practice shirt of Jakes)
21. Your TV? on with Sunny Patch
22. Your pets?sleeping
23. Friends? precious
24. Your life? chaotic
25. Your mood? anxious
26. Missing some one? brother - deployed and sis in law (haven't seen em since Aug)
27. Car? FILTHY
28. Something you're not wearing? shoes
29. Your favorite store? target or gymboree
30. Your favorite color? purple
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? tues
35. Who will resend this? no one
36. One place that I go to over and over? bathroom and starbucks and the bathroom at starbucks ha!
37. One person who emails me regularly? mom
38. My favorite place to eat? los cabos
39. Why you participated in this survey? obligation, just kidding
40. What are you doing tonight? working

Time To Get Creative

Did you see the Miss America pageant? Miss Oklahoma's introduction summed it up nicely...she spoke of how quickly our weather can change. Sorry, can't remember the line exactly.
I will say that I am beginning to wonder if these quick changes in weather are what are responsible for my ongoing battle with some kind of illness or another. This weekend a sneaky cold of sorts got me. Yesterday, I had no voice. Today, it returned but with a cough. Seriously, enough is enough.
Speaking of weekends...I was OUT AND ABOUT. Friday night was our church's women's mini-retreat at Embassy Suites. Our SS class did OTB for dinner before and then we listened to my AMAZING friend Connie share her "Trash to Treasure" testimony with us. The party continued on with with lots of good stories, laughs and advice - just a bunch of girly stuff (yes, moms have slumber parties, we just do it at a hotel!) and we stayed up till 2am!
After some bfast, a workshop and goodbyes, Mrs. Perry and I snuck in a mani/pedi before returning home. Shhh, I don't think our men know about this. We arrived in time for lunch and naps. Perfect. Woke up, showered, kissed the kin goodbye and I was off again.
Same group of gals, this time Miss America was calling - please see my friend Kristi's post (bottom right, "a little hope from OK" for pics and complete details). It was serious business. Oh what a hoot. Just what my spirits needed.
Man, by Sunday I was exhausted and revived and IN LOVE with the man of the hour/month who watched, took care of, fed, bathed, loved and let me do all this. Can I get an Amen?!
Now, for the kicker...I can't help but think that God is pulling my leg a little, you know for my time "away". For here we are, in the midst of an ice storm. It started at noon...just a trickle of rain. Here at 10:41pm we have a full sheet of ice out there, no school tomorrow and if I was a bettin' woman, no activities Wed.
So all that time away equals lots of QT inside for the next 48hrs or so. Yahoo!
We are better prepared this time, 300 are already without power. We have wood, full tanks of gas, a weeks worth of groceries and a new Bob the Builder movie (essential).
One of the many reasons I love OK - I can get a dose of spring on a Friday, wearing my short sleeve shirt. Wake up Monday to a winter storm warning, and go to bed to the sound of frozen rain hitting my skylight.
Um, I will have all you out there, from all phases of my life that have been nudging me to get on face book...I tried and it rejected me. I kid you not, a screen popped up and said, "your name is rejected". Um, excuse me?!
So, I had to write an email to tech support and haven't heard a thing. So far, not impressed.
I leave you now, to go snuggle in my WARM bed with visions of a stir crazy house come 11am tomorrow (that's when I will run out of tricks).
Be safe if you are here in T-Town.

My Friend

Gosh, 48 hrs. ago I posted that He Always Understands...right now my heart is aching and I wonder, does he really understand? I know it logically. But when the ways of the world don't make sense, I can't help but ask, why does God allow things like this to happen? Why do things hurt so bad? If he feels it and understands it, why would he put himself through it...let alone us?

I was driving home tonight, from a group meeting, thinking about our dear friend Matt. His mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer about 3 months ago. Nothing positive has happened since her diagnosis. Today, they decided to stop treatment. She has to remain in the hospital because she can not eat, and needs to remain hooked up to a feeding tube and a drainage system. My heart has ached for them several times over the past few months. Jennifer,his wife, is 5 months pregnant with the first grandchild. Matt is torn between nights at the hospital and nights with his wife. He finds himself as the primary care giver for his mom, who is single. And so tonight, with the news, I cried long and hard, as I was alone....and through my tears a song came on.

By Casting Crowns - LORD I LIFT

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

And so I bawled some more and I was reminded that God is right here and His path is our path if we so choose. And they will get through this. And sometime in June the miracle of life will begin again. In the mean time I am powerless except in the power of prayer and so tonight, Lord, I lift my friend to you.

He Always Understands

Sometimes it takes a child to remind us that God can always meet us right where we are. Please take the time to Meet Logan:

Progress Not Perfection

I didn't coin that phrase, but I live by it.
Hours logged in shoes doing exercise since purchase: 1hr 45min
Pounds lost since last Monday: just over 5
Feelings of hope: Starting to shine through
Number of peppermint mochas in the last week: 2
Number of nonfat lattes: 4
Number of tea lattes: 3

ITS THE RATIO of MOCHAS to the TWO other drinks you are supposed to notice.

That's enough honesty/confession for one morning.
Happy Monday.

Thoughts and prayers for my brother as he deploys (AGAIN!) today. Love you Boo - thanks for all you do. And Erin, my FANTASTIC sis in-law. Thanks for supporting his dreams and may you feel comfort and love while he is away.

Tis My Duty

I am sure there is a lot of people wondering why it is "Tea Time" at Starbucks...aren't they supposed to sell coffee?

Yes, they are, and yes they do. But for whatever reason we are supposed to push tea.
So, on that note, of all the new Tea Lattes, I have found a favorite with slight modification and wanted to share.

The LONDON FOG TEA LATTE - NO WATER, MADE WITH SOY.
Now, it is made with Vanilla syrup - and depending on the size depends on how many squirts of syrup. I actually don't get any syrup and it is so good. The soy has a vanilla flavor already. If you do get syrup I would recommend half the pumps.
So, for a tall 1 1/2 pumps, for a Grande 2 and a Venti 2 1/2. YUM! With NO syrup Its still very vanilla tasting without being so sweet as some things are with syrup and less calories.

Something else I learned (its made with Earl Grey tea, which is caffeinated)...if you need no caffeine, did you know that you can decaffeinate any tea bag on your own. A bag of tea loses its caffeine in the first 60-90 seconds its steeped. so steep it in water for 60-90 seconds, pour out the liquid and start again and now you have decaf.
Happy tea drinking!

Not too be left out

The kids didn't want the shoes to take center stage.





And apparently Bo has a new face he would like you to see:

Step One

This is the first pair of running/exercising shoes I have purchased since my $29.99 specials at Fred Meyer, in Boise, ID....sometime in 2004.
I trucked myself to Utica Square to the New Balance store at the recommendation of my dear friend Connie. It seems they know just how to fit those of us with extreme pronation, flat feet, recom. shoes for people who have had 3 knee surgeries etc. I walked in, said I need help (in more ways then one, ha!). Here are my issues, here is what I need. And 30min later and several pairs of shoes, I had all sorts of new info. a new pair of "exercise" shoes, appropriate for indoor stuff - I made sure he knew there would be no marathon running. And get this, he and I both agreed the CHEAPER shoe was for me. So, he wasn't out to screw me. I should be a spokesperson.
Hey and look, they are pink.

So, that is step one. My already aching feet (due to all sorts of random blessings we call them) now have a pair of shoes appropriate for some exhertion of sorts.

I had a physical today too. I got a few NEW answers. I can't say that I feel better but I feel more educated. I found out that my medicine induced weight gain is NOT water, it is also not due to anything I DID diet wise. It is merely a reaction b/t the med and my metabolism. It slows it down, so anything I do put in my mouth stays there.

I am really tired of thinking/talking about it so I won't go into more detail. But I will say that I was not reprimanded or made to feel "fat". I was encouraged to try to build to 30min a day on my Wii Fit, continue to eat healthy and see where that puts me. I have low blood pressure and am otherwise completely healthy.

Sigh.

I had hoped to put on my knew kicks but have picked up a shift down at ye ole watering whole and will be puting on my sticky mocha covered shoes instead for a different sort of workout.

Tomorrow, look out Wii trainer I'm coming to get you.

I'm not going to paint a pretty picture

....if I don't feel like its a pretty day. Sorry.
And because this is my outlet, I am letting it out. I'm not looking for sympathy or fishing for compliments. I merely feel like I can't go to sleep if I don't "write it out".
I admit it, I am sick of my weight, depressed and tired of hiding behind FOOD and the justification line of "its my medicine". Know what? It probably is my medicine. I'm not sure how you gain 40+ pounds in 2 months without eating out all the time and literally stuffing your face 6 times a day. I did none of those things and yet I sit here with 50+pounds to lose. You heard me....and no the pictures on my blog DO NOT depict how I look right now. And I have only 1 picture that has been taken of me since Sept. one! I don't want to be seen or remembered. I hate it. I hate that I can't make picture memories with my kids. I could but I surely wouldn't post them anywhere.
So, what do I do, where do I start? I've searched the web, can't figure out if its water weight or what "kind" of weight it is that medicine induced weight is, so I'm not entirely sure of how to get it off. I lack desire to start because I feel like my mountain is too big. I don't want it to make me depressed, but I admit I am fighting a losing battle and today, I let myself cry over it.
I don't want to fall into a heap though and continue to cry - cause then I just might really start to eat. And where will that lead me?
All I know is I have had two medical dr.s and one therapist confirm "oh yes, its your medicine" but not one has offered me help or ideas or hope that I can get off the medicine and the weight will fall off. Or that I can drastically change my diet and exercise and it will come off. So I am frustrated. I am feeling a tad beaten down.
I thought maybe if I got on here and wrote, and admitted to myself in writing where I am, how I feel, and was just plain honest, that it would be a start. That I would gain some stamina to search for answers, to find a plan - to get something going so that come the end of January - when the braces come off, as my hair continues to grow out (we all know what a crazy journey that is for me) - that maybe I will smile in front of a camera with my family. I want to update the family picture on this blog. It is over a year old. But the truth is its not going to happen today.
With God, all things are possible. Maybe this is trite, but right now, this is my struggle, so maybe this too is possible, with him?
Thanks for listening.

What Does Simple Mean?

Anna just asked me what "simple" means. Feels like the perfect title to my blog, what does it mean, or better yet, what does it look like, feel like, taste like and mean to ME?
I think we all want some "simple" in our lives. Typically, if its simple, then we are not immersed in drama, tragedy, craziness or fear. If life is in a simple stage it means we are comfortable, happy, not fighting any huge monsters and hopefully just relishing the ease of it all.
I don't know when my life last felt simple...now I can look back and say maybe college, but back then I would have said NOT. So maybe grade school? Who knows. But if its simple, it usually means there isn't much growing going on. Although I can also say, seriously, do I need to be growing all the time? I could use a growth vacation. Stagnant would be okay, just for a week?!
Truly, I'm not complaining here. I'm just reflecting and writing what is going on in my head. As I approach the one year "anniversary" (sounds like a very in appropriate title for the event) of my mental event, I am very aware of my every move. I am very introspective with every choice I make, every sentence that leaves my mouth. Have I grown? Have I changed? Not just to I feel better, but have I learned? Am I more self aware? I've put in 100's (and I don't think thats an exaggeration) of hours of work on ME in the past year. I'd like to think that not only am I in a better place but that I'm a better person. But its really hard. People don't sit next to me evaluating me. In fact even those closest don't really know what it is I am working on. So the only measurement of success I have is my own "bar". Hardly objective.
On the other hand I have to learn to be okay with that. I have to learn how to write and journal and keep track of the things I do right, the things I did today in this situation that I wouldn't have done three months ago in the same situation.
I have to learn to chose the rational thoughts over the irrational even when they are pounding so hard on my shoulder and it would be so easy to go down the familiar road.
Life is not simple. If we are lucky we get a simple day. If they were all simple, we would be so boring and life so mundane. There would be no challenges, no reason to get up and fight, no reason to move forward, no reason to look back to learn. In the midst of the complex and the dramatic - I will continue to try to think of it as a growing experience and find the good in this less then simple time.
For if it were all easy - it wouldn't be worth it.

If...

If this isn't too cute?

Talking with Anna

"Mommy, I love school."
"I'm glad sweetie. What's your favorite part?"
"Maya, Mckenna and Ella R."
"Oh, well, what about Library, or Motor Room, or Letters? Do you like that part?"
"Its good, but I don't miss it, just Maya."

Insert a couple of minutes....

"Mommy, we need to go to Noah's house."
"Yes, we do (thinking, is there a Noah at school? or is she talking about Noah from church...its been awhile since we've seen Noah H. is she seriously missing him?)
"I love Noah and Ian is fun too"
(Its confirmed, its Noah H., from church, how sweet)
Me - "Hopefully we are all well now and can go to church Sunday and you can see him."
"But I like his HOUSE."
"I will talk to Miss Jenni."
"Today?"
"Maybe...."

"Mommy, JD too. I love him and NEED to see him" (another Boy Friend at church) (mind you there are NO Girl Friends at church).
Laughing, I answer "He loves and misses you too" "I talked to Miss Connie and they want to see us." (thinking and if JD could, he would ask your dad for your hand in marriage NOW!) ha!
"Today?"
"No, not today"
"When? I need to see Ian, Noah and JD. But not JDs Other brothers."
"I thought you liked Caleb and Nate"
"I do but thats too many people"
"I see."

"Mommy, can we go on a bike ride?"
"Yes, lets go on a bike ride."

ITs OK. It is 60 today and sunny. Likely to be 20 and snowing tomorrow.
As for dates with the boys, its a must.
And school - well I think she really loves it all.
The conversation - had me in stitches.
The truth - ask Connie about JDs stories and inquiries about Anna - he really does think he is marrying Anna, and at the age of 5 - they are even having babies and living in big houses. Fine by me. He plans to give her flowers. A mother couldn't hope for more.
Bike ride - we are on our way.

Wrapping Up 2008

Our 2 weeks Christmas Vacation in Pictures:



One Beautiful Angel - A Part of the Magical Nativity - South Tulsa Baptist ELP Program


One Serious Case of Double Pneumonia - Breathing Treatments with our friend "Bubbles"


One Rockettes Performance at the new BOK center - 3 four year olds - 1 adult (thank you Molly!)




One Christmas at Daddad and Nonna's


Ughhh - more than ONE trip to Starbucks - even for the little ones!




One Christmas at Home - an all day PJ fest!


One Christmas feast with the 4 other Great Grandkids at Mimi's in Lindsay, Ok



Did I mention the pneumonia? Three rounds of antibiotics and it makes you fall asleep at the drop of a hat!

We had a wonderful holiday season. Jake was home for 2 weeks, as were the kids. I only worked twice. Three of the four of us ended up sick and on antibiotics, but we powered through and enjoyed that there was lots of time to rest. Spending our time in OK left us with temperatures that ranged from 73 degrees at least 2times down to about 10 degrees....much to Anna's dismay there was no snow. I told her Merry Christmas and that it was all over and she said, "no its not it hasn't snowed". Man, I so understand her. 1. we have seen too many movies and 2. we are just wired for WHITE Christmases. This was our second one here in OK. And as wonderful as it was to stay home. We've decided that next year we will be in IDAHO. Its a must.

Some of the highlights of our vacation were the new toys, which are being played with STILL, two weeks later, hehe. Cars and Princesses are the themes of the year, although a Hanna Montana calendar was requested and received along with a bath robe, which are signs of a little girl rather then a toddler. Bo has informed us that as much as he is obsessed with Cars, that even Cars underwear will not entice him to use the potty yet. We have seen Cars and Toy Story at least 10 times a piece and no these are not new movies to us. The Wii has had much use as Anna played her Princess game and beat it and Jake has tried to fill up his medal count on Mario Kart. We are still on the search for a Fit - they are no where to be found in this state! I received the first book in the Twilight series - and totally admit to be a bandwagoner. I have no idea if I will like this but I can't think of one person, okay maybe my mom, that hasn't read this book. I'm talking people from high school, to church friends, to people at work. EVERYONE I KNOW has read this book. So, I'm going to as well!
I have indulged in the Peppermint Twist at Starbucks and intend to go back to a plain latte effective today and hope that my hips start to shrink. I think the drink is available for another week or so, if you haven't had one go get one. It is divine. And TEA is the new focus of Starbucks for the next few months. So jump out of your comfort zone and try some of our new TEA LATTES and such.
FYI to Kristi B. you can try something other then your white mocha and if you don't like it we will make you something else for free :)
Enough about work.
I did manage to get my house clean, stay up on laundry and the finances, get Anna together with friends and her cousins and get my Christmas cards out this year.

Here are some things I am looking forward to in 2009:
The birth of the Holm's baby boy any day now!
The birth of the 5th Great Grandchild on my side of the family (the first Vertrees) in March!
The birth of the Jewett's baby girl in April!
The birth of the Dean's baby girl in April!
The birth of the Covey's, Coffin's, O'hara's and Mounger's babies in June!
That is a lot of LIFE and I am so blessed to call each of these Mommies and familes friends....Blessings!

I look forward to continued success in therapy and recovery for some of the issues I have faced the last year - success that allows me to thoroughly enjoy life, my children and everything that God has so graciously allowed me to have.

I am excited to watch Anna start Kindergarten in the fall and watch her little personality bloom. I can only imagine how her smile will infectively spread the love of Jesus even as she turns just 5.

I can hope that Bo gets potty trained by Sept. (or he can't start the 3yr old program). Please pray :)

I am thankful for my job. Its the perfect fit for this time in our lives and I am so grateful to have it. Especially in such a time of uncertainty.

Here's to a wonderful 2009 for everyone.