On the Axis

I have been contemplating, for a few months now, what my blog is all about. I have felt the calling to write more. However, when I sit down, I can't quite figure out what to put down. There is an element of my being that is so personal I can't fathom sharing it with the world. But on the other hand, who am I, if I am not real...especially in my writings, the one method of expression that has always been my tool in navigating life. I have been convicted by the overwhelming thought that writing about "Me" might be the one life link that someone I don't even know, needed. This may have started with thoughts about how "blogging" would help me but it has become bigger. How might my words touch someone else? Nothing happens on accident. I was created in HIS image, with a grand purpose. And though I can't see what that purpose is just yet, perhaps I see a road I am supposed to take.

I have traveled to some really dark places in my adult life. I hate to blame or classify the journey's as a result of me being diagnosed with Chronic, Recurring Depression for fear that it sounds like an excuse. But, for the ease of understanding what I am getting at, I am clinically diagnosed. Along with depression, I am also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. These two things have been part of my makeup for a lot of years....Sometimes I think, by definition, they describe some of my feelings and behaviors. Other times, they are merely just labels and do nothing to explain the world in which I live. As manuals and diagnostics change, so do I.  I have been to countless therapists and on more medications than you can imagine. My diagnosis has even changed and recently to something some would say is more "severe" than previously thought. And until about a month ago, deep in the recesses of my mind, I thought that eventual with the right combo of meds and therapy, I would be CURED. I was constantly looking for the CURE. Now, I find myself further than ever away from a cure, or do I?

Recently, my therapist said in a session...What you have is not going away. It is cyclical and recurring. There are highs and lows. WHAT you chose to do with your days and with your life is up to you. You can learn to challenge your thoughts and openly address your needs during these times and learn what it means to live WITH your diagnosis. You can be healthy and fruitful and ANYTHING but a a slave to it....simply by your choosing. And for the first time in about 13 years, I feel empowered. I find that coming to terms that there is not a said "CURE" for this is freeing. I can stop looking. My efforts in searching for the perfect combo are a waste of time. What if I can take that energy and instead of focusing on what is WRONG with me, I choose to focus, not on the diagnosis, but on my LIFE! Yes, my path has been marked with moments of despair, but in them, I ALWAYS find Him, I am always reminded that I have a HUGE support system and bushels of love.  I need to embrace who I am - if I embrace who I am, only then can I be comfortable in my skin. I have never been comfortable in my own skin.

God has blessed my life, beyond measure. In my rational mind, I know this.  What I do in my dark corners fades the blessing. But I am learning how to stop myself from going there. How I choose to look at life is ultimately up to me. Yes, I always find HIM in dark corners, but what about finding him in the bright spots? There are bright spots. I am changing my focus.

I am on medication. I am not ashamed or afraid to admit this. I believe my quality of life is BETTER, in part, because of my medication. However, I also know that being on the right meds, alone, will not help me to have or maintain JOY.  Joy is something so grand and out of this world, that we must choose to go after it! I know that this is a learning process, and not every day do I wake up feeling like roses and with a great understanding of what all of this means. But, in this learning process, I am seeing that the more I accept WHO I am, shortcomings and all, the more my soul heals. The more I see my blessings, and dive deep into relationships, the more JOY I experience.

So, the questions remain, how can God use me and my journey to help someone else? How can I be an advocate for mental health? What am I to learn from all these experiences? I hope you will stick around as I dig to find out more about myself and this journey that I am on. No holds barred, this is who I am.

Thankful list continued

Days 8-14

8. The Keurig - I like coffee, tea, cider, chai and this puts it all at my finger tips in less than 3 minutes.
9. My SOLDIER aka brother Brandon - need I say more, my hero, my friend, my little brother - love him to pieces, loves his country more than his life.
10. I admit it, I have a new love of the MAC and really want an I-phone and yes this a materialistic, humanistic, All American WANT!
11. Good neighbors. I have been blessed in several of our homes with REALLY good neighbors. This is the second time in my adult life that I have had the blessing of a neighbor that has become a good friend. Jennifer, you have NOT been replaced in any way. However, Tamara, I have loved getting to know you and treasure our new friendship. Weekly coffee dates after a run to the bus stop are an added plus!
12. Coffee, Diet Mountain Dew, Scentsy and MUSIC!
13. A husband who constantly strives to provide the best for us, no matter what it costs him emotionally or physically.
14. The wonder that IS...SNOW!

And sometimes....

No matter how thankful you are for what you "have" you can't help but feel empty. I find myself in this place a lot. I would like to blame it all on my chemical imbalances that have been diagnosed by several medical professionals - some of which are fairly severe. However, some would argue that is taking the easy way out. Some days, I agree. Some days, I am confused and just hate feeling how I "feel" and then other days I think if I could just get my appropriate dose of "daily bread" the hole wouldn't feel so deep.
Any way you paint the picture, I am still me. I am still here. I have a heartache that I can't seem to find the arms of comfort for. I KNOW in my head that there is only one set of arms that can handle my unexplainable emotions or chemical imbalances - what has become known as my REALITY.  I yearn to just feel it, the comfort. I yearn to be able to rest. I am weary.
I don't purposely try to carry the burden on my own. I don't knowingly turn the other cheek. I just don't know how to let myself be  LOVED by the one true LOVE of my life.
I like to find songs that resonate with how I feel. Sometimes I feel like the lyrics of a song can better put into words how I am feeling or make a point that I want to make. The song Glorious Day by Casting Crowns is it for me right now.....it is the ring tone on my phone in fact and wouldn't you know it, we sang it on Sunday - tell me how that works?! So, I sing it, I get lost in the lyrics, I feel it and I know that my sins are carried far away. He loves me, he saved me. ME, ME, ME! And that's enough. In the end that is all there is to it, that is all we need. I don't need to look further or know anything else. The "empty" I feel can be replaced with his Glory. I can finally rest my weary head, in all His Glory.

I need to love myself, just a fraction of how he loves me, to allow that to settle in. And freely forever - Oh glorious day - I will not be empty any more.


Glorious Day by Casting Crowns
One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a Virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He

Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He

Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

'Cause living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He's ascended, my Lord evermore

Death could not hold Him
The grave could not keep Him from rising again

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
Glorious day

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my beloved one bringing
My Savior Jesus is mine

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
Glorious day, oh, glorious day

Thankful

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, and following the lead of others and there 30days of thankfulness.... I want to change the tone of where I was going with my last post. I want to reflect on what I am thankful for.

1. A Bible teaching church where I am challenged, accepted, loved and "met" whenever I show up!

2. An ever increasing awareness that I am LOVED. Moving around a lot has made my life colorful and fascinating and splashed with many different types of people. I take many friendships with me, when I leave one "home" to go to the "next" and each time, I am reminded that God knows just who we need and when.

3. Fireplaces - I am oddly mesmerized by a fireplace. It makes me feel warm, literally, and warm, emotionally. I feel peaceful and cozy and well, I can't quite explain it, there's just something about a fireplace.

4. My relationship with my grandmother - wow! I have known for awhile that it was unique. But living so close to her and all the time we spend together, I am in awe about how truly SPECIAL it is. I do NOT take it for granted. Her stories, her memories, her friendship, her guidance - we share a special bond that I am so incredibly thankful for!

5. Seasons - Having grown up in S. Ca. I did not experience much in the way of seasons. Living in Oklahoma and now Idaho, we get seasons. I need seasons. I need change. It is such a visual reminder that things CHANGE. I like to think of it as God's BIG version of Ecclesiastes to us - that there is a TIME for everything. And just when it is too hot and you can't stand it any longer, the leaves change. Or just when the clouds seem like they will not lift, the sun comes out and the flower bloom. Just like the peaks and valleys in our life?! I like the analogy anyway.

6. The idea or reality of "perfect timing" - see my last post - then read Matthew 6:25. That was a portion of what was preached on in church today. The meat of it? Do not worry about tomorrow, ask God TODAY for your "daily bread". Ask him for your sustenance to get you through today. We have no idea if we will have a tomorrow, so why waste the time worrying about it. I actually got WAY more out of it than that, but that part was a direct correlation to my last post and thought, He knows, He always knows.


7. People named Sara(h), Jen, Christi and Kari - lots of variations in spelling and I kid you not. Okay, so if you don't happen to have that name, it does not mean I do not love you. But much of my strength, encouragement, daily "talk" and survival has to do with people who all share the same name. Go figure. You are each precious to me. I have a support system that stretches from CA to OK, north of there and south and everywhere in between. BLESSED!


I do realize it is the 13th, I am only a little more than 1/2 way there.....I will catch up, maybe tomorrow.

Until then, rest in your blessings, thank God for the bread he has given you today.  And yes, we took this picture ourselves, out in the mountains near McCall - amazing!