I'm not going to paint a pretty picture

....if I don't feel like its a pretty day. Sorry.
And because this is my outlet, I am letting it out. I'm not looking for sympathy or fishing for compliments. I merely feel like I can't go to sleep if I don't "write it out".
I admit it, I am sick of my weight, depressed and tired of hiding behind FOOD and the justification line of "its my medicine". Know what? It probably is my medicine. I'm not sure how you gain 40+ pounds in 2 months without eating out all the time and literally stuffing your face 6 times a day. I did none of those things and yet I sit here with 50+pounds to lose. You heard me....and no the pictures on my blog DO NOT depict how I look right now. And I have only 1 picture that has been taken of me since Sept. one! I don't want to be seen or remembered. I hate it. I hate that I can't make picture memories with my kids. I could but I surely wouldn't post them anywhere.
So, what do I do, where do I start? I've searched the web, can't figure out if its water weight or what "kind" of weight it is that medicine induced weight is, so I'm not entirely sure of how to get it off. I lack desire to start because I feel like my mountain is too big. I don't want it to make me depressed, but I admit I am fighting a losing battle and today, I let myself cry over it.
I don't want to fall into a heap though and continue to cry - cause then I just might really start to eat. And where will that lead me?
All I know is I have had two medical dr.s and one therapist confirm "oh yes, its your medicine" but not one has offered me help or ideas or hope that I can get off the medicine and the weight will fall off. Or that I can drastically change my diet and exercise and it will come off. So I am frustrated. I am feeling a tad beaten down.
I thought maybe if I got on here and wrote, and admitted to myself in writing where I am, how I feel, and was just plain honest, that it would be a start. That I would gain some stamina to search for answers, to find a plan - to get something going so that come the end of January - when the braces come off, as my hair continues to grow out (we all know what a crazy journey that is for me) - that maybe I will smile in front of a camera with my family. I want to update the family picture on this blog. It is over a year old. But the truth is its not going to happen today.
With God, all things are possible. Maybe this is trite, but right now, this is my struggle, so maybe this too is possible, with him?
Thanks for listening.